My Porn Addiction

It’s May 1st! Not only is that the beginning of summer according the the Celtic calender (beginning with celebrations of fun and pleasure known as Beltane or Beltaine), but it’s also National Masturbation Month in the USA. Therefore a great opportunity to talk about my recovery from porn addiction.

I started masturbating to internet porn when I was 13 years old. As soon as I got access to the internet.

a person browsing the internetBack then porn sites were harder to find, but it was possible. And there would always be the opportunity to read erotic stories with explicit sexual content. Or engage in cybersex and sexting.

Truth be told, I found all of that hugely supportive and helpful in figuring out and accepting my sexuality. In made me feel like others like me were out there. It made me feel like my sexual desires and fetishes had a huge audience which made me not only feel less isolated, but more ‘normal’ and acceptable.

And there was all the emotional and physical abuse I needed to get away from. Masturbation in general became my opiate. My way of finding relief and escaping at least internally. My way of numbing the pain.

Fast forward to five years ago:

My PMO (Porn -> Masturbation -> Orgasm) habits were still around and in full bloom. I still used porn and masturbation to escape from emotional pain. I was avoiding conflict, making painful decisions and generally avoiding my ‘negative emotions’. Porn addiction thrives on that.

Binge watching TV shows was another addiction that I had developed for similar reasons.

man starring at his screen at night (porn addiction)There were days when I literally did nothing else than watching TV shows, eating, PMO, repeat. Sometimes I literally spend hours watching porn each day. Masturbating and bringing myself to orgasms several times each day.

Nothing of that had to do with pleasure anymore. Nothing of that was a conscious decision. It was like letting my addictions take over the driver seat of my life. I preferred escaping into artificial realities over dealing with my own.

That was when I admitted to myself that I had a problem.

It was also around that point in time when I first heard about porn addiction to begin with and the science/ neurology behind it. I think this was the first video I saw about it.

I needed to have that concept and the knowledge of how it affects and wires the reward circuits in our brain. How it disables our ability to make conscious decisions because of that ‘wiring’ (like any addiction does). And what it takes to rewire the brain towards freedom.

That is when I started my porn addiction recovery.

More about that in upcoming posts. 🙂

If you don’t want to wait that long you can also watch the video below about my recovery process that I made a while ago (even though I prefer my newer videos … ). Or wait for more!

May freedom reign!



Let Beauty lead the Way

We have been taught that beauty is frivolous, superficial, a luxury or even a deception or mask for something evil and sinister. In truth beauty is far more central to our purpose here on earth and our destiny than we might have been led to believe. Understanding and following beauty is in fact essential to a spiritual life and living in alignment with divine will and our true bliss.

Check out my newest video to learn more:


Find more videos on Gwydion’s YouTube channel.

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Chains Beneath the Waves

There are few things I honor as much as transparency and honesty. Which is why I’ll continue to write very authentic and vulnerable posts here. Not just because I want to be seen. Also because I want to show you that all of us struggle and that there is nothing wrong with it. We can all be vessels for wisdom and for self-doubt at the same time. Teachers and students. Inspired, but also exhausted.

Gwydion Blackrose in Glastonbury Nov 2016

Gwydion in Glastonbury Nov 2016

Over the last two weeks in particular I have been feeling very exhausted. Coming back from a magical and transforming time in Glastonbury, UK (part of which was my training and certification as Completion Process Practitioner), I initially felt filled with inspiration and new energy. So many projects suddenly wanted to be born. I also couldn’t wait any longer to start offering the Completion Process to my clients. It is an exciting and highly efficient tool for trauma integration after all! I wanted to make it available to even more people as soon as possible.

Then I got interviewed for Youtube for the first time. An awesome chance and opportunity to talk more about the Completion Process, my specific approach and a little bit about my general perspective (and why I essentially think that the term ‘Light Worker’ and how we demonize darkness is really more detrimental than beneficial to our spiritual journey). You can watch the interview here.

In short: A lot of awesome changes and big shifts that I wanted to embrace fully and make the most of. Partially because I was afraid to miss any opportunity.

Which is where the less beneficial forces and beliefs within me started to come into play.

a river at sunsetSome people speak of ‘shadow reasons’ when they mean sub-conscious and detrimental motivations within ourselves which cause us to do or don’t do something.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with shadows or darkness. I do get how the concept and idea of the ‘human shadow’ as the more ‘unconscious’ part of ourselves which is hidden from the light of consciousness (of our rational mind!) can be helpful, though. Which is why I’ll stick with it for this post. Not to mean something inherently malevolent, though, but simply to hint at it’s hidden and sub-conscious nature (‘sub-conscious’ as in being beneath the realm and view of our rational mind; like being beneath the waves of the ocean that make up our ‘sub-consciousness’ – which is very much conscious in its own right – with the consciousness of our mind being more like the realm of air and wind above the waves).

Over the last two weeks I noticed myself becoming more and more exhausted physically and mentally. My knees became weak. My muscles tensed up until at least one part of the left side of my body was in pain at any given moment. My ability to think clearly and to make rational decisions seemed to wither away. Especially when it came to going to work or to interacting with my long-term students I felt all life-force, will and enthusiasm leaving me instantly.

At first I had no clue what was going on. I love the kids and young adults I work with as a counselor and Youth Worker. I equally love my students. How could something that I have felt passionate about for so long suddenly start draining me to this degree? What had gone wrong?

Well, nothing had gone wrong. Like it never does, even though it might initially feel like it.

With the help of some friends and my spirit contacts I figured out what was going on. Essentially it was the perfect opportunity to get clear on and transform a detrimental core belief that I had been carrying around with me since early childhood. A belief that continued to suck the life and the joy our of me. A belief that I am now ready to let go and replace.

The belief was: “I don’t have an unconditional right to live (and enjoy life). I have to earn it (by working hard all the time).”

No wonder that this belief continued to run me into the ground, right? When there is such deep uncertainty about my right to be and enjoy anything, how can I expect my life to reflect true enjoyment and pleasure? No wonder also why that belief would cause me to tense up like crazy and force me to work and produce beyond my actual capacities.

The good thing about diving into the ocean of your own sub-consciousness and discovering the chains that bind you there is that you then can start to break free. Which is what I’m doing now.

the sun coming out behind rusting chains


Let Life Seduce You! (Awakening Sensuality)

After last week was spend with a lot of clients struggling with very similar challenges I felt inspired to make this new video. It’s about how to open up more fully to the sensuality of life and about allowing life to seduce you. Awakening sensuality is not only about healthy embodiment and great sex, but about creating a life that is in alignment with your actual Self, purpose and desires.

Enjoy the video here or watch it on youtube and let me know what you think!

Like my videos? Be sure to subscribe to my youtube channel and share them with your friends.

News from the Road // Spiritual Vlog Project

Life is happening very fast right now. Sometimes it’s too easy to loose track. We are busy. We have a lot of projects that demand our attention. Our own soul has needs that need to be met.

In the middle of it all it’s really important not to loose track of who we are and what we came here to be.

Let me remind you: You are magnificent! Your are a miracle!

I actually just made two short videos to remind you of that. They are part of a new Vlog project I’ve started. You can find both of these short videos at the end of this blog.

I started the Spiritual Vlog project because while I love writing I don’t always have the time, energy and focus for it. The same can be said about making my more ‘professional’ videos. Especially since I’m not particularly fond of editing.

Some of 'my kids' at the local Pride parade.

Some of ‘my kids’ at the local Pride parade.

Also: I still work part-time as a counselor and youth group facilitator at the local LGBT+ center. A lot of my clients there suffer from PTSD, dissociation and engage in self-harming behavior. Many of them are rape and abuse survivors as well. Which means this is very intense work which I take very seriously. Taking care of ‘my kids’ (along with my other clients) always comes first. Creative self-expression and spiritual teaching for the masses comes second.

My Spiritual Vlog project is a way for me to connect with you easily. I hope you enjoy to see more of my life and get a better sense of who I am ‘on the road’. I’ve always been dedicated to authenticity. I hope these videos will give you a better sense of what it’s like to go on a hike with me, forage berries or have a cup of tea. I hope they help you to get a better sense of the person that I am.

Why is that important to me?

I want you to trust me and give you a chance to convince yourselves that I am trustworthy. I do expect you to trust me with your money when booking a Tarot Reading or Chakra Reading with me. I know that this can be a scary step. I want to encourage you to take the leap of faith with me that can change your life for the better.

I want to give you a better sense of what I’m like and that I genuinely want to help you solve your problems and improve the whole world while I’m at it. I’m deeply grateful to all my clients for believing in me. I’m deeply grateful as well for the pleasure to observe my guidance and advice helping them come closer to their true heart’s desire.

Know that you are loved! Know that you matter! Let me know, if you need support, because I’d love to give it to you!


Gwydion Blackrose