Extraterrestrial Origins of my Soul

I am not your ordinary human. Most of you are aware of that. I’m not even only talking about my extrasensory abilities. Yes, I can and do talk to plants and feel the energy flow in places and people. Yes, I also perceive auras and listen to all kinds of beings from the ethers. I’m also gay (well, sort of) and I’m also human. I’m also other than human, though. This otherness is what I want to talk more about in this post. Expect talk about faeries, extraterrestrials and the origins of my soul.

When I grew up I always knew that I was different. Most other kids I talked to didn’t see auras or beings like the Fey and other spirits. They didn’t talk to plants. If they did, they didn’t really expect them to answer. They also didn’t expect God to actually answer. They were not clairaudient and I didn’t really get that.

When I was in elementary school I dressed up as a male elf for carnival one time (something we do in Germany). None of the other kids even knew that there were male elves. They thought elves and faeries were all female. I thought that was rediculous. How were they supposed to recreate? Also: Didn’t the other kinds KNOW? Didn’t they SEE? Apparently not so much.

What I haven’t really talked about publicly so far is that I also always had a sense of not really being human. I spend half of my teenage years singing sad songs to the Faeries. Songs about being a Faery and missing home. Songs about wanting to return there.

I also used to dance ballet as a child and my favorite game was to dance the princess of Swan Lake in the opening scene. Which is were she is robbed of her innocent play and freedom by the evil curse that turns her into a swan. Binding her to a new world and cursing her to live upon strangers in a foreign land.

I deeply related to that scene since my life among humans definitely felt like a curse to me back then. Like I would always be alien. A stranger among humans who I couldn’t understand. Who would never welcome me for who I was. Who weren’t even able to perceive me and who would probably think I’m insane if they knew what I thought, saw and perceived. My mother used to tell me people would come to throw me into a mental institution every time I acted differently or ‘other’ than the other kids.

Gwydion Blackrose as a teenager about 13 years old

Gwydion as a teenager about 13 yo

Long story short: I had several reasons to feel strange and other. Given my abusive upbringing and the bullying I experienced in school I also had plenty of reasons to believe that something was wrong with me. That my ‘otherness’ was what people would never get or accept and what I would never allow myself to fully experience or express again. I wanted to belong so bad.

Well, there comes a time when pretending becomes just too painful. That is why I dared coming out publicly as ‘gay’ when I was 16 years old (then ‘bisexual’, then ‘gay’, then ‘other’). This is also why I want to come out as non-human as well.

In Celtic mythology and fairy tales there is this concept of some human babies being exchanged shortly after birth for faery babies. These faery babies were called ‘changelings’. They had a tendency to die young, but if they survived they exhibited strong magical powers and abilities. They also tended to be outsiders since most humans would find them weird at best.

I don’t believe that I am changeling in that way. I’m very sure I chose the specific bloodlines of my human parents for particular reasons. One of these reasons, though, I that we have faery blood in our veins. Another concept found in Celtic mythology which I find to be very real.

It all comes back to one human having sex and then having a child with a faery. Apparently that happened to a female ancestor of mine who ended up making love with a particularly horny spirit of the woods. It is something passed down through her descendants to me. Something not fully ‘activated’ in all of us, but to at least some degree in most. This is were our visions, dreaming the future and similar things come from. Also a good feeling for music I might add.

In addition to that I was also a faery in my previous life. This particular soul of mine likes to sample a lot of different experiences from all over the universe. It is not faery itself (therefore I’m not a ‘soulfork’ or Faery incarnated as a human), but my soul has the imprints of the fey all over itself and kind of absorbed some ethics and perspectives from them.

kid with a flashlight pointing up towards the night sky at the extraterrestrialsThe true nature of that soul is more extraterrestrial, though. It is part of a collective that I mostly just like to call ‘the cluster’. You could also call them ‘Mikael’ if you really want to give them a name, but ‘the cluster’ is usually efficient enough. This also breaks with the illusion that names could actually define or express them fully.

‘The Cluster’ likes to incarnate in circumstances which provide it with a lot of expansion and growth. They are interested in aiding growth and expansion, but also profiting themselves from expansive circumstances. Which is why they/ we chose to incarnate now. We are in times of great change and being part of that is exciting.

Besides this excitement ‘the cluster’ deeply cares about humanity in its potential which is not fully activated or reached, yet. There is way more in store for the human species if we don’t go extinct first. They are here to help us transition without killing ourselves in the process. They are also invested in avoiding as much of the ecological crisis we have brought upon this planet and other species here as possible.

In addition to this I also have another ‘soul’ or ‘soulstream’ with extraterrestrial origins. These guys are Plaiadians and they have ‘braided’ with me accoring to our pre-birth desire to aid me with my mission and desire. They have further activated my potentials and accelerated my spiritual growth when I was 12 years old. They came in back then and ‘braided’ with me to bring me back from hell (the reality I lived in) and into my fullest potential (which is not yet realized). They are still very much invested in that, because they also care about the way humanity is evolving. They want to accelerate our collective evolution and spiritual awakening. They want people to realize their own power and use it to change their life.

This is also why I decided to finally share all of these information with you. I’m not only sick of self-repression, but am also invested in helping fellow human beings along. ‘The cluster’ and the Pleiadians are eager to help people via channeling which I will start providing publicly very soon (sign up for my newsletter to get all the updates).

For some of you all of these information might be really hard to stomach. Rest assured that I’m not going crazy and that I’m also not entering an alternative reality where there is no more pain or nothing worth fighting for in this world.

Why I’m coming out like this is because I want to be seen for who I am and I can not have authentic and intimate relationships with you if I hold any part of me back. I can not provide good services to you as long as I filter myself all the time, too. Especially not with the work I’m about to bring into manifestation very soon.

I guess the neat, tiny boxes that I tried to fit myself into just became too tight for my vision. All the spiritual labels are just feeling a little bit too limiting and repressive. Why should I convince you that I’m a ‘proper’ Pagan or Witch or Starseed or Mystic anyway? There is no reason. All I got to give is me. I hope this will be enough for some of you.

a starry night sky filled with galaxies - and extraterrestrials?

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Sexual Healing and the Queer Spirit Festival

Last week I had the privilege to be part of the second Queer Spirit Festival in the UK. It took place in the same location as last year which is sort of close to Glastonbury and Stonehenge. It’s a beautiful location which already felt familiar to some degree because of me having already connected with it at the festival last year. Yet it was also new.

young deer in the greenThe first workshop that I joined this year was about connecting more deeply to the land and the landscape. Becoming more fully aware of the stories of the land and the beings we share this place with. Not only led this experience to some really beautiful discoveries of ripe blackberries, caterpillars and a deer it also taught me a lot about us being there and the way this land is being developed back from a golf course into a forest.

The influence that human beings have had on this land and still do became clear to me. How they interrupted the natural growing cycles or are trying now to skip the state of wild meadow in favor of bringing back trees. Things I wouldn’t even have recognized without my (basic) knowledge of permaculture and ecology. Things the land was telling me that I picked up intuitively but that were also informed and filtered by mental knowledge and careful physical observation. Bringing all of my human parts together was stripping away more and more layers of what meaning I had given to the place and revealed more and more the actual place before my eyes. A conscious awareness of the physical which I plan to bring more fully to all future interactions between my self and nature. Not just engaging with the energies and spirits, but also this physical plane which is a pleasure to the senses.

In a lot of ways this year’s Queer Spirit Festival was about becoming more aware for me. More aware of the land, of the struggled of transgender people, of my own non-binary gender identity, of the ways we hide our wounds from each other or sometimes try to suppress conflict to maintain a superficial peace which isn’t really there.

I think that a lot of my interactions and learning experiencing have been the most raw, empowering and challenging for me in the Sacred Sexuality Temple. This is basically a (more or less) big tent which is dedicated to the exploration of sacred sexuality and intimacy during the whole camp/festival. A place were workshops around touch, sensual play and physical discovery take place and that is also dedicated as a place to have sex with each other in a consensual and fun way throughout the night.

The people tending the Sacred Sexuality Temple this year really did an awesome job of creating and maintaining a sacred and safe atmosphere. An energy which made me feel secure enough to get naked and share more of my most intimate and hidden sexual aspects with others. Witnessing others do the same. Sharing space and sometimes sharing touch.

a genderqueer person experiencing Sacred Sexuality in natureOne of the things I found most beautiful and inspiring was that the tent was open for the whole LGBT+ rainbow and people of all body types and sexualities were invited to play and re-discover themselves. This made the whole experience and energy really different from your typical gay darkroom atmosphere. Something which I also saw repel people (read: some cis gay men) who wanted to have more disconnected, superficial sex there, but clearly sensed that something different was offered and expected there. Not just because of the very clear consent policy.

I’m incredible thankful to the trans* and female-presenting people for joining in and claiming that space. It made a lot of difference. I think it’s important that gender and body diversity keeps getting emphasized there next year as well. That kind of healing needs to be available especially to those who do not currently have enough safe spaces to explore their sexuality. While many gay cis men already have multiple more or less liberating spaces to explore their sexuality with some sense of liberty and acceptance this is not yet true for most trans* people and women in general. Which is a reality which I like to see acknowledged.

I do not want to get too much into my specific experiences in that Temple right now. They involved plants and tree bark, blindfolds and meditations, touch and deep attunement. All of which showed me not only more ways to bring playfulness and fun back into my sexual practice. It also planted firmly into me some more seeds about what true intimacy and sacred sexuality could be like. Intimacy, connection and playfulness that I actually want in my daily life. Something most digitally acquired One-Night-Stands are not fit or willing to get into yet. Something that I will look for now with more precision.

a symbol for queer sexuality at the Sacred Sexuality TempleI’m really grateful to the organizers and also the participants for creating and maintaining a space for all of that to happen. Queer Spirit Festival is a truly diverse place in terms of what is offered and who joins in. A place were true consent and inclusion are taught and practiced to the best of everyone’s abilities. Something I’m sure will continue to blossom and grow.

I hope that there will be another QS festival next year. It’s such a unique, inspiring and nourishing place for LGBTQ+ people from all kinds of backgrounds. It deserved to be tended and grown because of the promise and healing it offers not just for queer people, but the world(s).

Currently they do need some more money to cover the costs for this year’s festival. If you feel inspired to donate to the vision you can do so at the Queer Spirit website. I also recommend that you follow them on Facebook. If you feel the queer spirit rising within you then I definitely recommend you join us next year! It will be cosmic.

LGBT rainbow pride flag to remind us that Sacred Sexuality is for queer people, too

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Rewilding Spirituality

How wild, untamed and free do you dare to become?

The first time that I encountered the term ‘rewilding’ was in Peter grey’s very insightful and important blogpost called Rewilding Witchcraft. It follows the idea that Witches and Pagans have sort of forgotten their roots and their purpose which are connected to engaging with and protecting the wild. It challenges the respective audience to open up their eyes to the current ecological crisis of the planet and most of our local environments. It asks us to revisit our spiritual practices and question them.

Do they really connect me with the wild inside and outside of myself?

Do my actions build connections with, acknowledge and protect the non-human communities I live with?

These are some of the guiding questions which have walked with me since I first read Peter Grey’s words. It’s what started my own rewilding journey.

small boy at the edge of a lakeI have always felt a very intimate connection with plants and the spirits of nature. I spent a lot of my childhood and teenage years in the garden and the forest. I talked to trees and faeries.

At the same time I was socialized like most of us. I was told how to sit, eat and behave. I was told that there are no spirits in my room at night. That the natural world was not really dead, but below human consciousness. That there was no actual way to talk to trees or rivers. That God had blessed humans with unique mental capacities which allowed us to condition, control and rule the wilderness outside of us as well as our body and animal nature.

These teachings were given to me by my parents, but also the other kids I played with, neighbors, school, etc. These were some of the collective assumptions about reality that I had to accept (at least officially) to become acceptable. Unacceptable beliefs and actions were laughed at or punished.

Add to that all the emotional and physical abuse I experienced by family and ‘friends’ as a child and teenager for being different than expected. For being other(worldly?).

As a result I forgot how to see and talk with the faeries and other beings for a while. It took me years of dedicated spiritual practice to get them back. Some of my clairvoyant abilities are still not nearly as evolved as they were when I was 5 years old.

statue of a druid in front of treesThe kind of spirituality that had always spoken to me and was instrumental in my emotional healing process and self-empowerment was Witchcraft.

When I discovered this alternative to Christian beliefs and doctrines when I was 12 years old I was so excited! It felt like coming home. Like I’m not weird for experiencing the world a certain way, but gifted.

Witchcraft and other shamanic, Pagan and polytheist practices and beliefs continued to inform me since that time.

I loved especially how these beliefs and practices seemed rooted in nature and emphasized how to live in ‘harmony’ and ‘balance’ with the natural world.

It wasn’t until I started learning more about ecology, nature conservation and sustainable agriculture that I noticed how removed many of these (modern) beliefs and practices actually were from nature.

I believe that the same can be said about a lot of teachings and beliefs within the ‘New Age’ and ‘spiritual’ community.

I am no exception to probably being a little blind-sided by growing up in a relative urban environment within Western civilization. How could I not be?

I did run through fields and forests as a child and we still grew at least some of our food in our garden. We foraged mushrooms and herbs for tea. We used natural medicines. We were probably more attuned to the land and that kind of ancestral knowledge than most of our neighbors.

And I still never shot a deer or killed a chicken. The amount of food we grew in our garden was minimal. We foraged for entertainment, not for survival.

Which means that there was a lot of knowledge and understanding about how nature works that I didn’t get. Some of which I could read about, but a lot of which can only come from first hand experience. What I like to call body knowledge.

What does all of that have to do with spirituality?

Yoga pose in the middle of a street in a cityMost of our spiritual beliefs and practices in the West – especially within the New Age community – have been conceived outside of a natural environment or have been adopted (and modified) from more ‘exotic’, Eastern cultures which themselves were and/or are divorced from nature.

How can these beliefs and practices liberate and empower us if they continue to deepen the divide between ourselves and the natural world? Between our mind and our body? Our soul and our flesh?

As I have written before: These lies of separation are the root of all evil. It is this kind of estrangement from ourselves and the natural world which gives not only rise to war and terror attacks, but also the ecological crisis we find ourselves in.

Which is why I believe that all of our spirituality must be centered around coming back into connection. Intimate connection with our body and sexuality. Intimate connection with other humans in their diversity as well as with the non-human worlds we are part of – especially the natural environment around us.

This is why rewilding spirituality is important.

Which is why I want all of us to really question not only the origins and purpose of our spiritual beliefs and practices but also their effects on us and the natural world.

How does your spirituality re-connect you with nature?

How does it estrange you from nature?

And what purpose do you choose your spirituality to serve and why?

No teacher or book can answer these questions for you. Observe your own experience. The choice is yours if you dare to choose. The time is now to make a change.

(And I have specifically designed this online class for men who choose rewilding.)

Man in suit sitting on a rock in a forest

Porn Addiction, Recovery and Freedom

If you read my last post about my porn addiction you already know that about five years ago I used to watch and masturbate to porn for hours each day. This was not about pleasure. It was about escaping my emotions and my life. I was depressed, overwhelmed, felt isolated and couldn’t let go of a love relationship that was anything but working.

Something needed to change. It became very clear to me very fast that my porn addiction needed to go.

I felt porn sucking away my concentration, initiative, time and energy. I was functioning like a robot instead of living my life.

Like most of you who have experienced being addicted or being stuck with your coping mechanisms know: Quitting is usually easier said than done.

There is a reason why we developed these addictions and coping mechanisms in the first place – and unless we begin with changing our life and diving into the emotions we are trying to avoid no real change can take place.

Which is a gradual process.

Five years later my own recovery process is not done. I had good streaks. Then I relapsed. Then I tried again. Succeeded for a while. Relapsed again. Changed some things about my approach or gave up for a while. Repeat.

All of that said: I am in a WAY BETTER condition now than I was back when I started. I remember PMOing (using Porn for Masturbating to Orgasm) several times each day. Spending hours in front of the screen watching porn. Not having any drive to do something else.

Now I am no longer that person.

There are days when I feel like I’m in control and can make conscious decisions about porn (like not to watch it).

And there are still days when I feel like porn and other forms of digital sexuality are in control of me.

Blindfolded man walking through waterYesterday I watched a TV show dealing with mental programming as done in religious cults. The main characters were no longer free to make their own decisions. They have been trained to behave in certain ways once certain external circumstances happen. Triggering them into submission. They tried to break free, but most of them failed or did only partially recover.

(They didn’t really reach out for help with deprogramming, though. Which is what would actually have helped them.)

Watching this show it dawned on me that my relationship to porn was similar. All it needed were some external triggers and I just submitted to PMO. It was no longer anything that my soul or body wanted. It was a mental program taking charge over my body.

Now I can watch it happen and sometimes I can break the pattern. At other times I just watch myself like watching someone else on the screen.

It’s in these moments when a slave inside me takes over. A part of me that has been so conditioned by porn that he has forgotten freedom of choice. And even that the point of sex is to enjoy yourself and find pleasure. This part doesn’t even care that porn doesn’t give me nearly as much pleasure as sex without it does (good masturbation included).

What was sad, confusing and most irritating to realize about that is that nobody trained me to behave that way. There was no abuser present who programmed me. I did it to myself.

I do understand now that I did it to myself in order to survive an impossible situation. It was my way to survive all the abuse and loneliness of my childhood and teenage years. It helped me deal with the constant pain of being romantically and personally rejected – all the time.

I also know that I move out of that pattern of compulsive PMO completely once I’m surrounded with people who I have a positive relationship with. Physical and emotional isolation is what drives this addiction.

Nothing like emotional intimacy and hugs to get me out of it.

After watching that TV show I do know now that what I really crave is freedom. The freedom to make my own choices. The freedom that I have taken away from me through this addiction and other coping mechanisms.

A freedom which I will do everything to reclaim.

Man under waterfall enjoying life (the freedom of addiction)


My Porn Addiction

It’s May 1st! Not only is that the beginning of summer according the the Celtic calender (beginning with celebrations of fun and pleasure known as Beltane or Beltaine), but it’s also National Masturbation Month in the USA. Therefore a great opportunity to talk about my recovery from porn addiction.

I started masturbating to internet porn when I was 13 years old. As soon as I got access to the internet.

a person browsing the internetBack then porn sites were harder to find, but it was possible. And there would always be the opportunity to read erotic stories with explicit sexual content. Or engage in cybersex and sexting.

Truth be told, I found all of that hugely supportive and helpful in figuring out and accepting my sexuality. In made me feel like others like me were out there. It made me feel like my sexual desires and fetishes had a huge audience which made me not only feel less isolated, but more ‘normal’ and acceptable.

And there was all the emotional and physical abuse I needed to get away from. Masturbation in general became my opiate. My way of finding relief and escaping at least internally. My way of numbing the pain.

Fast forward to five years ago:

My PMO (Porn -> Masturbation -> Orgasm) habits were still around and in full bloom. I still used porn and masturbation to escape from emotional pain. I was avoiding conflict, making painful decisions and generally avoiding my ‘negative emotions’. Porn addiction thrives on that.

Binge watching TV shows was another addiction that I had developed for similar reasons.

man starring at his screen at night (porn addiction)There were days when I literally did nothing else than watching TV shows, eating, PMO, repeat. Sometimes I literally spend hours watching porn each day. Masturbating and bringing myself to orgasms several times each day.

Nothing of that had to do with pleasure anymore. Nothing of that was a conscious decision. It was like letting my addictions take over the driver seat of my life. I preferred escaping into artificial realities over dealing with my own.

That was when I admitted to myself that I had a problem.

It was also around that point in time when I first heard about porn addiction to begin with and the science/ neurology behind it. I think this was the first video I saw about it.

I needed to have that concept and the knowledge of how it affects and wires the reward circuits in our brain. How it disables our ability to make conscious decisions because of that ‘wiring’ (like any addiction does). And what it takes to rewire the brain towards freedom.

That is when I started my porn addiction recovery.

More about that in upcoming posts. 🙂

If you don’t want to wait that long you can also watch the video below about my recovery process that I made a while ago (even though I prefer my newer videos … ). Or wait for more!

May freedom reign!