Let Beauty lead the Way

We have been taught that beauty is frivolous, superficial, a luxury or even a deception or mask for something evil and sinister. In truth beauty is far more central to our purpose here on earth and our destiny than we might have been led to believe. Understanding and following beauty is in fact essential to a spiritual life and living in alignment with divine will and our true bliss.

Check out my newest video to learn more:


Find more videos on Gwydion’s YouTube channel.

Survivor Shame & Pain

I generally prefer to write positive articles which inspire. Which make it easier for you to perceive the beauty that is life and the gift that is having this sensual, human experience.
AND I know that sometimes life just sucks. That the emotional pain seems unbearable and that – worst of all – we end up feeling ashamed of feeling that emotional pain in the first place. A shame that I know well.

Shame is one of the most detrimental human emotional states to get stuck in. It’s in fact very toxic to the human system to maintain. It is toxic to our mind, our emotions and our body. It causes us to make decisions which are harmful and oftentimes self-harming.

We decide to deprive and to punish ourselves for what we perceive to be shameful about us. We have been taught to feel that way. We have adopted those judgments from our parents or other parts of society and we now think of them as our own. We think that we can’t be loved, held and cared for as long as we have this ‘darkness’, ugliness or disgusting parts within ourselves.

We have been taught that we are bad.

I know this very well from personal experience. As a survivor of various forms of child abuse the only way my own psyche was able to cope with being abused was to blame myself for it. That is very typical. Children need to perceive their parents or primary caretakers as benevolent forces, because their survival depends on them. That is hardwired into our DNA. If therefore one or both of our parents or primary caretakers start acting in an abusive way towards us we simply cannot accept that they are in fact (at least partially) malevolent.

a child being verbally abused and shamed (internalized shame and self-blame)We seek to justify their behavior. We make it about what we did wrong. Or start to believe that something within us is wrong (sinful, ugly, … ). Usually that is also what a lot of our abusers tell us. That we wanted and/or deserve the abuse. That they are just doing that for our own benefit. To drive out the forces of evil which they see in us.

There is also another layer to it. This layer has to do with powerlessness.

A child already feels hugely dependent on their parents or primary caretakers. This dependency only starts to feel bad or wrong, though, if the needs of the child aren’t met. Or are only met inconsistently. It then feels like powerlessness. A state even more toxic and negative than shame. That we then try to get out of by adopting shame and self-blame. Which at least feel better to us than total powerlessness.

One of the things my parents started doing quite early after my birth was to ignore my screams, particularly during nighttime. They were led to believe that a child needs to learn discipline from the beginning so it won’t become arrogant or entitled later in life. Therefore letting me scream instead of comforting me was there attempt to make me into a good person. Which according to their values meant selfless, humble and obedient towards their authority.

Later in life they also added verbal shaming, spanking, beatings and other forms of abuse to my ‘education’. All of which they justified by trying to make me a ‘good person’ and getting rid of the ‘evil influences’ of the day.

One of the ways for me to survive all of this from early childhood on was to assume that they were right. That is was in fact my own fault. That I did something wrong and that parts of me were wrong and needed to be suppressed. And punished if suppression wasn’t successful.

Which also meant I had the power to change my behavior or even to punish myself in order to become ‘good enough’ not to get punished by my parents (and neglect is also a form of punishment and abuse).

Welcome to the root of all self-harming behavior! Including addictions, risky sexual behavior, staying within abusive relationships, self-deprivation, self-isolation, etc.

I personally still struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships and coping with emotional pain and isolation with masturbation, porn, food, binge-watching TV shows and (ironically) self-isolation. I also used to cope with physical pain/ BDSM.

One of the reasons I’m sharing this with you today is that I want you to understand all of these dynamics better. If you are an abuse survivor like me you need to know these information. You also need to know that there are powerful tools of healing available to you like trauma therapy and the Completion Process. They do really work and most of my life is already a testimony to that.

a child screaming in pain within the pupil of a person (inner child work)AND I want you to see my suffering, because especially over the last couple of days I was in a hell of a lot of emotional pain. Pain that might have been there before within me, but that I was not willing to feel or acknowledge. I still do suffer sometimes from the ways that my childhood and youth unfolded. There are still unhealed parts within me (inner children) suffering from all the pain. Screaming in agony in fact. They want to be heard.

This is me hearing them. Listening to them. Giving them voice.

The path of emotional healing and integration is not always a smooth or easy one. You are not fucked up if you still suffer along the way. It is natural. It is correct. Nobody can expect you to simply ‘be over and done with it’. It takes its time. Give yourself that time, too. You didn’t get as traumatized as you are within a week. Don’t expect yourself to heal within a day. It does get better. So much better.

And it’s a gradual process. One step at a time.

Be there for yourself when you are down as much as possible and please don’t beat yourself up if you can’t. I KNOW that sometimes being there for ourselves is more than we can do at a given moment in time. That is also okay. You will return to yourself again once you feel strong, safe and capable enough to do so. That will happen faster and faster each time.

Remember to also celebrate every good day and every good moment. You might have a shitty day, but those flowers over there might still be beautiful. You might not feel good enough to make yourself a salad, but what you are eating can still be delicious.

Having this body and having this experience is still something worth looking forward to.

That much I can promise you.

camomille flower on wood (healing shame)


I am NOT a lightworker – or am I?

A couple of days ago a friend told me that I am clearly a lightworker. That doing lightwork was a deep and essential part of my being.

As someone who has spend a long time in resistance to even the concept of lightwork (along with several other terms and concepts used within the New Age community) I was perplexed by this statement.

the yin yang symbol made up of white and black riceI quickly ended up explaining, like I usually do, that, yes, I do see a value in light and its positive attributes, but that there are also a lot of nourishing and positive aspects of darkness. That there is an inherent danger in identifying too strongly with the light if that means rejecting and even demonizing darkness.

While there is a lot of truth to that statement I now feel like I completely missed the point at this moment in our conversation. I was so in resistance to being called a lightworker that I didn’t even ask what he meant by that term exactly or how he sees me doing it.

The reason why I am so much in resistance to the terminology of lightwork is not just that some people who make use of it have used it as an excuse to deepen the rift of separation within themselves and the world (a rift which I perceive of as the root of all evil). There is also an aspect within me that doesn’t want to identify too strongly with a movement and community which is judged by some as a bunch of crazy people. I do not want to be seen as insane by association.

At the root of all this is my shame.

While I do see the value that my extrasensory abilities have to myself and others they are also something that parts of me are still ashamed of. These parts feel shame for being the weird kid. These parts feel ashamed because other people think I am seriously crazy. These parts feel shame because I was told that the realities and beings I perceive are just expressions of human fantasy and are not to be treated as real. They feel ashamed because I have been taught that ‘hearing voices’ is one of the clearest signs of insanity.

One of the threats that my mother made regularly when I was growing up and not behaving in ways she wanted me to was that people would come to put me into a psychiatric ward. That there was only one future for me if I didn’t start to act ‘normal’: imprisonment, isolation, never being taken seriously, being physically restricted, being in pain and being constantly medicated.

An isolated boy/ LightworkerAs a result I tried suppressing my abilities as a child and stopped communicating about the magical worlds and beings that I continued to perceive. I was alone with the faeries and ghosts I saw. Isolated when I talked to the trees. Craving for people who might one day be able to accept me as well as the song of creation I heard in my mind.

That’s one of the reasons I started to get involved with spirituality to begin with. Not just to better understand what I perceived, but also to find a community which would embrace me with all my gifts. Gifts that parts of me had started to believe made me unlovable.

While I had the pleasure to meet a lot of beautiful and loving people on my spiritual path so far it is only now that I begin to fully realize how much of myself I still kept holding back. I could cast spells with Witches, dance with Pagans, muse with New Age friends over the spiritual properties of crystals – but I always restricted my truth and self-expression to a degree to remain acceptable and liked by the respective group I was with.

The same way that I had tried to fit into main stream society before I still tried to fit into the social roles, norms and expectations of the spiritual people I was involved with. Still holding on to the underlying belief that my true and complete self-expression was unacceptable, unlovable and would be rejected.

I do acknowledge that I already released and transformed HUGE amounts of shame since I started my spiritual path. Witchcraft and shamanic practices as well as intensive use of the Completion Process served me very good so far. They will continue to serve me as I allow myself to become more inclusive and expressive of my whole Self.

Bright light illuminating a dark forest (Lightwork/ Shadow Work)Am I a lightworker?

Probably yes. As long as lightwork means bringing things back from the shadows of unconsciousness into the embracing, loving light of awareness in order to (re-)integrate them. Which is all the term really means (and which ironically is also a definition of Shadow Work).

And as long as this doesn’t mean excluding or demonizing the things that are dark – because there is also much beauty and healing found in the embrace of darkness.

Excluding and demonizing the dark is actually the very opposite of what lightwork is actually about. It is not about waging war with darkness nor the things hiding or simply living there. It is about embracing duality. Or even more correctly: It is about integration of all that is (including light and dark) and raising your awareness to a level that can actually do that and sees not only the necessity of it, but also the beauty and joy inherent in that process.