How to Deal with Change (2016 Part 2)

It just dawned on me yesterday that 2016 has been the year of the Serpent for me in more than one way. Not just because I got one tattooed on my body.
If the Serpent symbolizes anything it is renewal, rebirth and outgrowing your old skins. In a lot of ways this perfectly sums up my experience of 2016 and what I learned from it about how to deal with change.

We all have a lot of ‘old skins’. Beliefs, habits and trauma-related conditioning from our childhood. It’s natural that a lot of us feel stuck and hold back by these skins. Even more of us aren’t even aware of these skins before we start to outgrow them.

Water serpents rising from the water (how to deal with change)When an opportunity for growth comes along we have essentially two choices. We can ‘play it safe’ which more often than not means staying with what we know out of fear. Even when what we know is actually painful, because as a species we seem to prefer the known pain to the unknown suffering. Which is why a lot of us stop outgrowing our old skins, our ‘boxes’ of personality, at some point. We want to avoid growing pains. We want to avoid uncertainty. We are scarred of what we might become and – more importantly – what others will think of our growth. Will is be perceived as a threat? Will we outgrow and at a consequence loose our friends or lovers? Will they be able to keep up? Will new people, opportunities, jobs, etc. actually present themselves once we slipped out of that old skin?

If we make that choice of fear we forsake the chance to grow and expand, but we can also stay with what is known. We don’t have to dare. We don’t have to take a risk. We don’t have to leap into the unknown. At least in the past that has been a choice. Most of us couldn’t stop change entirely (or we died), but we could at least pulls the breaks a little. Doing so in resistance to the very nature of the universe which is constant change. Which is also the seence of life. Which is also why we chose to be born in the first place.

Given the times that we are in there is a BIG CHANCE that this path is now closed. Change and liberation are no longer optional. The powers of change we collectively desired which are taking place right now can not be stopped. We can no longer pull the breaks.

What other option is there?

We can make the choice to work with change. Embrace it, welcome it, make use of it. As a result we can grow, expand, awake and live. As a result we can get a sense of what true freedom tastes like. When the old skins become too small to contain us they will just slip off. We will start a brand new life. One that will be an expression of our new found level of awareness, will and freedom.

I’m not saying that this path is easy. I struggled a lot with each new wave of change this year and there have been plenty. More often than not I was placed in a position where I could choose to continue to live small and in misery without any chance of getting what my heart truly wanted. Or I could choose to take charge, take step after step, let go of my own limitations and as a result reach new levels of bliss, freedom and connection as a reward.

This meant a lot of risk taking and I’m thrilled when I look back at the results! I already wrote a little about the awesomeness that was the Queer Spirit Festival. I experienced similar growth opportunities before and afterwards.

Teal Swan and Gwydion Blackrose Completion Process Training Nov 2016

Teal Swan and Gwydion Blackrose (Nov 2016)

One of the biggest challenges and gifts was becoming a Completion Process Certified Practitioner trained by Teal Swan. Making all the internal changes and taking all the external steps from overcoming my fear of rejection, my assumed financial limitations to letting go of a general feeling that I just couldn’t get the things and life I wanted. And actually applying of course. This took a lot of shadow work, introspection and a leap of faith. All of which was rewarded with more love and heart connections than I ever dreamed of to be possible for me. Besides the awesomeness of being able to offer the Completion Process to people which I just love.

In essence I’ll leave you with this: Life will continue to present all of us with challenging situations. In each situation we can choose fear or expansion. We can choose to drown in the waves of change or learn to surf them. And then get back on the board once we have fallen off which will happen as well. Which is just a part of learning and totally fine.

Let us all become surfers this year! Let us choose our own growth and liberation! Listen to your heart and let it guide you towards your destiny! Each step you take in alignment with the wisdom of your heart is already a huge step towards living the life you desire.

This year it will also begin to manifest BIG TIME the life we desire for all of us in the process.

Happy New Year!

Surfers facing the ocean (How to deal with change)


When the Serpent Comes Knocking… (2016 Part 1)

2016 has been quite a ride for a lot of people. Prophesied as the year of purification it certainly was a good opportunity to face all the things holding us back from being our authentic self and – ideally – to overcome them.

I personally can say that no year has been as full and rewarding for me since a long while (if ever). There were a lot of challenges and life-defining decisions to be made. I did struggle.

Looking back, though, I think I made some excellent choices which let me to experience more than I thought could fit into just one year. It also showed me that I’m way less limited by old beliefs, habits and circumstances than I thought I was.

There are several parts to the story that 2016 has been for me. This is the first chapter.

tattoo artist at work2016 was kicked off by me finally getting a tattoo. It was something I thought and mused about since over ten years. I never had enough money or drive to actually go through with it, though, until I decided a year ago that now was the right time and that I would make it happen.

I always wanted my tattoo to be meaningful. A rite of passage from one stage of life to the next. An affirmation of my values, my power, my self and my adulthood. I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted symbolically and in which style. The vision was clear.

I knew at the same time that what I really wanted was a Witch or other kind of skilled energy worker as my tattoo artist. Someone who would truly understand the significance and the ritual aspect of it. Back then I had kind of given up on that actually happening, though. I felt like I and my spirits would be strong enough to hold the container and intention during the procedure without the tattoo artist needing to be aware of it all. At least that felt like the best option I would have.

Then, exactly one year ago, I started dreaming of green serpents (part of my desired tattoo design) and I knew it was the right time to finally go through with it.

green serpent on wine leavesThe green serpent and the ivy have both been very meaningful to me for a long time and for several reasons. Not just because of their connection to the god Dionysos and other spirits with whom I have a past. Also because they represent something about my essence and self which I wanted to strengthen and to be seen.

One aspect of it is that I wanted to come out of all hiding. I wanted my strength to be seen and how I can be charming, seductive and potentially deadly all at the same time (the serpent). I wanted to remind myself of all the things I already overcame in this life (bullying, abuse, etc.) and how I did not only have the strength to survive them, but also used every experience for my own growth and increasing my wisdom and power (the ivy). So there was rebirth, growth and warriorhood.

I also have a tendency to be very serious all the time. I hoped that the tattoo and it’s connection to Dionysos would introduce some more fun and debauchery into my life.

By divine guidance and synchronicity I got my tattoo appointment on the full moon of January which also was on the date of an ancient feast day of Dionysos. I did my offerings to both Ivy and Dionysos. I spiritually, mentally and physically prepared the best that I could.

Then there were several hours of agony.

a tattoo on Gwydion's left body side showing a serpent and ivy leaves.

Gwydion’s tattoo after healing.

I can certainly not recommend getting a first tattoo in that size and in the spot that I did. I made it way harder on myself than it needs to be. I think I only lasted about 3 hours before my brain felt completely empty. No focus or joy-bringing chemicals left (I was not allowed to take painkillers).

On the one hand I learned that positive focus can really rock your world, that apple blossoms and honey are my ultimate symbols for bliss and how much energy I can still channel while in the worst pain of my life.

On the other hand I learned that nothing is as important as the right relationship with your tattoo artist and his style (or lack) of care-taking. I regretted that I had mostly talked to his assistant instead of him. Lying there I questioned if getting a tattoo (especially in that place and with that size) had been a good idea in the first place.

I swore to myself then and there while the needles were still torturing me that I was going to see this through for as long as I could – and that afterwards I would NEVER go through this amount of pain willingly for anyone, not even myself, ever again. That, in fact, I would never again choose pain.

It feels really good remembering this now. That suffering and pain are not necessary any more. That there is no reason to prove yourself to anyone or anything. That joy and bliss are an available path. A path that I can continue to walk with even more sincerity.

My tattoo didn’t get finished. My life isn’t finished either. All of us are a work in progress. It’s up to us what colors we choose to paint and fill this life with.

I’m choosing bliss.


Overcoming Narcissistic Child Abuse

I don’t have the best track record when it comes to relaxation. I literally was never taught how to relax. In fact I was very much taught the opposite, which is what I want to share with you and explore more in this post. Because exhaustion has been hunting me for too long now and I’m ready to make some shifts happen.

As shared with you in my last post here I just became fully aware recently that I was holding on to a pretty detrimental core belief. In essence that old core belief goes like that:

I don’t have an unconditional right to live (and enjoy life). I have to earn it (by working hard all the time).”

Such a belief doesn’t come from nowhere. In fact it’s really clear to me how it originates with (and was passed down from) my mother.

My mother always worked hard because she had a feeling that she had to. She wanted to be successful with her art (she is a classical musician). She was in fact so passionate about it that she preferred to practice her instruments for hours each day as a teenager and in her twenties instead of going out dancing or just having fun. She was clear about what she wanted and she was convinced that only hard work and sacrifice would get her there. Like she couldn’t have it all.

She also was very intelligent. Bringing home excellent grades for her was not only about making the best of her abilities, though. It was what her father expected of her. Something that gave him (who was chronically ill and even unable to leave the bed towards the end of his life) a sense of success and purpose. He took pride in his children to such a degree that they had to make him proud.

I don’t think he ever told them explicitly. It’s more something that I feel my mother and my uncle picked up subconsciously. Knowing that the self-esteem of their father was on their shoulders to at least some degree and feeling like they owed it to him and their mother to be successful.

two girls in simple clothing learning from a bookIn addition my maternal grandparents didn’t have a lot of money and the money that they had was invested into the education of their children. My grandparents had experienced the reality of the first and second World War with my grandfather being held prisoner during the second one and being tortured for months. They knew that material things were nice to have but could easily be stripped from you by circumstance. Which is why they valued education so much. Nobody can take your knowledge or skills away from you.

While there is beauty in that knowledge and the sense of seeing your children as your legacy, there is also a lot of pressure on the children in that scenario. My mother felt like she needed to study hard, to honor her parent’s sacrifice, to practice her art and in general to make her parents’ life as easy and good as possible.

My mother didn’t only pass on that codependency to me. There was also always the sense that I had to make her proud, because I was her pride. Her marriage was falling apart, she lost her prestigious job and connections when emigrating from Eastern Germany – and especially after the divorce I was all she had left. My sister and I were the only things she felt like she could show off to the world to get respect and validation at that point. She also let me know regularly that I was the only reason she didn’t kill herself then and there.

Being left alone with her once my father and sister moved out when I was 8 years old that was a lot of pressure to handle. Especially since I also had to serve my mother as a counselor, substitute for a partner and whipping boy – based on her mood swings. This is when all the abuse intensified and I had to deal with it.

So how does one react when living with the enemy you are feeling completely dependent on? You do everything to please her and to avoid punishment.

Given the narcissistic tendencies of my mother you also learn how to pretend that her needs, values, likes and dislikes are your own to the degree that you completely tune out to your own when she is around. She sees you as an extension of herself and you better play your part or get punished for not living up to her picture of you. That is what narcissistic child abuse is all about.

Given all of my mother’s history and how she grew up and raised me it makes sense that I picked up a couple of detrimental core beliefs and that some of them (like the one shared above) are related to work. I think there are two core reasons for that:

One the one hand being “lazy” (whenever you are not doing anything productive) was considered a reason for punishment (especially as long as my mother ‘had’ things to do). Thus relaxation wasn’t even on the agenda. You might relax together after work in the evening while tuning out of your life by watching a movie, but that’s about it. You had to prove first that you earned your right to relax. Enjoyment for pleasure’s sake was frowned upon (with the exception of enjoying food and drinks for some reason).

One the other hand my mother didn’t belief in “spoiling” her children with positive feedback or reinforcement. We were just expected to be gifted and exceptional. After performing or doing something one of the best things my sister and I would hear our mother say would be: “If I say nothing that’s enough praise for you.” More often though she would go into endless detail about how we could and should have done better and how to improve ourselves. Mostly by working harder and “wasting” less time with play and fun.

I’m ready to let go of all this conditioning now. I have changed my beliefs and emotional patterns since over 10 years now using shamanic practices and magic as well as other more ‘mundane’ tools like mind games and affirmations. The Completion Process being one of the most recent and most efficient tools for me that I came across. With all of these tools under my belt I feel ready to let go now and build a new life with new beliefs and a new reality as a result. I’ve already changed so much successfully in the past and this is just another new and exciting chapter and change that I’m making manifest now.

I’m looking forward to enjoying it with pleasure!

A landscape magically manifesting out of a a new chapter in a book (overcoming narcissistic child abuse)

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Chains Beneath the Waves

There are few things I honor as much as transparency and honesty. Which is why I’ll continue to write very authentic and vulnerable posts here. Not just because I want to be seen. Also because I want to show you that all of us struggle and that there is nothing wrong with it. We can all be vessels for wisdom and for self-doubt at the same time. Teachers and students. Inspired, but also exhausted.

Gwydion Blackrose in Glastonbury Nov 2016

Gwydion in Glastonbury Nov 2016

Over the last two weeks in particular I have been feeling very exhausted. Coming back from a magical and transforming time in Glastonbury, UK (part of which was my training and certification as Completion Process Practitioner), I initially felt filled with inspiration and new energy. So many projects suddenly wanted to be born. I also couldn’t wait any longer to start offering the Completion Process to my clients. It is an exciting and highly efficient tool for trauma integration after all! I wanted to make it available to even more people as soon as possible.

Then I got interviewed for Youtube for the first time. An awesome chance and opportunity to talk more about the Completion Process, my specific approach and a little bit about my general perspective (and why I essentially think that the term ‘Light Worker’ and how we demonize darkness is really more detrimental than beneficial to our spiritual journey). You can watch the interview here.

In short: A lot of awesome changes and big shifts that I wanted to embrace fully and make the most of. Partially because I was afraid to miss any opportunity.

Which is where the less beneficial forces and beliefs within me started to come into play.

a river at sunsetSome people speak of ‘shadow reasons’ when they mean sub-conscious and detrimental motivations within ourselves which cause us to do or don’t do something.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with shadows or darkness. I do get how the concept and idea of the ‘human shadow’ as the more ‘unconscious’ part of ourselves which is hidden from the light of consciousness (of our rational mind!) can be helpful, though. Which is why I’ll stick with it for this post. Not to mean something inherently malevolent, though, but simply to hint at it’s hidden and sub-conscious nature (‘sub-conscious’ as in being beneath the realm and view of our rational mind; like being beneath the waves of the ocean that make up our ‘sub-consciousness’ – which is very much conscious in its own right – with the consciousness of our mind being more like the realm of air and wind above the waves).

Over the last two weeks I noticed myself becoming more and more exhausted physically and mentally. My knees became weak. My muscles tensed up until at least one part of the left side of my body was in pain at any given moment. My ability to think clearly and to make rational decisions seemed to wither away. Especially when it came to going to work or to interacting with my long-term students I felt all life-force, will and enthusiasm leaving me instantly.

At first I had no clue what was going on. I love the kids and young adults I work with as a counselor and Youth Worker. I equally love my students. How could something that I have felt passionate about for so long suddenly start draining me to this degree? What had gone wrong?

Well, nothing had gone wrong. Like it never does, even though it might initially feel like it.

With the help of some friends and my spirit contacts I figured out what was going on. Essentially it was the perfect opportunity to get clear on and transform a detrimental core belief that I had been carrying around with me since early childhood. A belief that continued to suck the life and the joy our of me. A belief that I am now ready to let go and replace.

The belief was: “I don’t have an unconditional right to live (and enjoy life). I have to earn it (by working hard all the time).”

No wonder that this belief continued to run me into the ground, right? When there is such deep uncertainty about my right to be and enjoy anything, how can I expect my life to reflect true enjoyment and pleasure? No wonder also why that belief would cause me to tense up like crazy and force me to work and produce beyond my actual capacities.

The good thing about diving into the ocean of your own sub-consciousness and discovering the chains that bind you there is that you then can start to break free. Which is what I’m doing now.

the sun coming out behind rusting chains

Time to be seen!

It’s just a couple of hours until one thing I desired for a while will actually take place. I’ll be having my first Youtube interview.

It’s not the first interview I will be giving, but it is the first interview that will be about me, my perspective and my abilities (as opposed to ‘just’ my activism). Everything about me will be in the spotlight – and I love it!

Gwydion Blackrose as a small child with a flute

Little Gwydion trying to please.

I think one of the reasons I’m going for this career is that I want to be the center of attention. As a child growing up with a narcissistic mother and an emotionally absent father I certainly did not get enough of it. I tried hard to be seen and appreciated. I got some attention for performing things that my parents thought would be adorable or worthy of affection. I learned several instruments for my parents who were both musicians. I learned their instruments from them, because I wanted their love. They thought I should practice the instruments at least as often and committed as they did in their childhood. They wanted me to become the better and improved version of themselves (of what they thought that should look like). They wanted to raise a great musician. I just wanted to be a child and be loved for I am.

I could never please my parents enough practicing their instruments. They had way too high standards. So I decided to learn the instrument of my sister, because she got all the positive attention for her artistry with the violin.

While I do love violins I was never going to be as good as my sister. Which meant not good enough for my parents.

While I had more success winning at least my mother’s attention with my singing, dancing and paintings, it had always to be done in a way that she would approve of. Even when she started to become more supportive and encouraging eventually her harsh judgment and complete lack of positive reinforcement from my early childhood stayed within my head. I felt like I could never be good enough. Like I needed to constantly prove my worth by being successful according to my mother’s standards. I wasn’t seen or appreciated for who I was. If anything I had nice potential. Potential without making ‘proper use’ of it was worthless to my mother, though.

No wonder that I enjoy to be finally seen and wanted for being me, right?

I do want fame because I still desire the attention and the love that I never got in my childhood. I want to be seen for who I am – who others tell me is pretty amazing. I want to be heard, because I feel like I have so many things to share which are helpful and essential for the world and humanity. I felt this kind of ‘calling’ since I can remember and it’s an amazing feeling that I finally have an audience. To feel heard and respected for who I am is everything that this boy ever asked for.

I hope that I’ll be doing a good job in that interview. You’ll probably see it by yourself really soon.

In the end there is nothing to worry about. I have come to understand that being myself is enough and that I don’t have to be ‘perfect’ anymore to be loved and respected. Being myself is enough – and I will prove that to myself over and over again until each of my cells is flooded with that Truth and knows love.

a fotoshoot setting