Stepping Into Freedom

After my recent hiatus from this blog I was wondering what my new post would be about. Since the last months have been all about stepping more and more into freedom, I decided it’s time to talk more about that.

At the same time I still find it challenging to put into actual words the wild trip that I’ve been on for the last six months. I guess it’s best to start at the beginning.

It all started with me getting this new website of mine up and running. A decision which originated in my need and desire to take myself, my gifts and my purpose more seriously. The website itself was more like an external manifestation of that internal goal and shift.

Then my website was up, some new clients started showing up and my online class Wild Men Rising started its second turn with new students.

This was by the end of June. This is when everything started speeding up.

man jumping into a lakeOne of my biggest challenges and achievements of the last months was getting to the Queer Spirit Festival in the UK last August. When I found out about it I had to admit that it was everything I had ever wanted. A spiritual festival filled with queer folks and dedicated to diversity, inclusion and ecological sustainability. I was also promised a sauna and a Sacred Sexuality Tent.

The fact that I could celebrate my birthday there and that this year my birthday would take place on a full moon which would be celebrated during the festival made the fantasy of me going there even more seductive. Especially since my birthday last year was one of the worst birthdays in my life. My ex-boyfriend had canceled on me last minute and I spend the whole day on my own. At the festival there would at least be workshops.

All of this sounded awesome and terrifying at the same time. I had never planned such a huge trip all on my own. I also had never camped outside my mother’s garden since I was a teenager. I didn’t even have a tent. Besides that I was worried and afraid that I would be unable to make friends and end up all alone again.

More terrifying, though, was the thought of spending my birthday all by myself again. Even if I would be/feel alone during the festival and unable to connect with people, there would at least be workshops, right? Workshops which sounded very promising and delicious.

I was also really afraid of wasting my life. Playing it safe by not taking risks. Not even going after what I desired out of the pure fear of being unable to get it. I did fear to experience rejection again or that I would just prove to myself that my desires are better in theory than actually experiencing them.

I became aware that it was about time I would make a choice. Did I want my life to be safe, but miserable and lonely? Or was I willing to risk failure, rejection and pain in pursuit of my own happiness?

It became obvious to me that not even trying meant sending my inner child the message that it simply can’t have what it wants. It would tell that child that the world is in fact a scary and dangerous place and that it’s better to hide in misery than going after your dreams and fail.

There was no chance in hell that I was going to teach my inner child these lessons again.

My tent at Queer Spirit Festival 2016

My tent at the Queer Spirit Festival

I got a tent, went to the festival and did not only meet amazing people, but had the best birthday of my life! Starting my special day by being massaged by three different guys at once – which is a really good way to start a new year on earth I can tell you.

Some really amazing things happened during the festival which will be the topics of upcoming posts. What I want to say right now is that I never experienced a place before that was that accepting, inclusive and liberating in my whole life. The whole festival was a catalyst for freedom, self-love and change – on a personal as well as collective level. Several months later I still feel like I’m catching up to my own growth.

I guess the message of this post is to serve as a reminder to myself and all of you that following your desire is really worth it. Use all your tools to fight those inner demons which want to keep you small and frightened. Get the help you need to transform those beliefs and fears which keep you imprisoned. The time for liberation is now.

You owe it to yourself and your inner child to give it a try.